Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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