Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
