My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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