Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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