You just made me feel so damn special
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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