so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
