His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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