My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
