There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
