So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
