I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
