I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
