how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
