I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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