You smell like a Billy Joel song
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
