I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
