i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
