I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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