Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
She announced her abortion via fbk
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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