Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
