Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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