you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
