John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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