i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
