I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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