i think i have two assholes
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
