He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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