did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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