i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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