I met the friendliest cop last night
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
