I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Randomize
