I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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