Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
