i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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