remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
