did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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