Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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