they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
