I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
