and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
