Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
