You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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