my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
