i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
