apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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