how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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