there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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