Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
