Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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