I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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