It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
