He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
