I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
