my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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