Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
